So, I've started taking sleepy-pills. Just any pills that will make me drowsy all the time. Benadryl, Niaprazine, you name it. Whatever I can get my hands on.
I don't actually need them, but I figure that if I'm half asleep all the time, I have a great excuse for if I do something stupid or embarrassing. Apparently, even being half asleep I can still outperform the rest of my team, so it's not a problem, and if I do something like, for example, forget my name, I can just say that the pills are responsible.
The reality is that years of British comedy and keeping my head buried in a computer have resulted in a brain that resembles scrambled eggs on an MRI. But I can blame the pills instead. Taking personal responsibility for one's own shortcomings just isn't the American way, anymore.
But there are side effects. For example, I have strange dreams when I do actually get to sleep. Like last night...
Luann, Anna and I were riding in a stolen shadow government issue black SUV, on our way from a salon to a Vietnamese taco place. But as we were traveling along, a helicopter being flown by an elephant fell on our SUV and killed us all.
Anyway, so we found ourselves in Heaven. There were ducks everywhere. There were more ducks than people. An angel came up to us and said, "Welcome to Heaven. We have one rule here: Never step on a duck."
We did manage to avoid the ducks for a while, but then one day Anna stepped on a duck. The angel came along immediately, dragging the ugliest man I had ever seen. He handcuffed the man to Anna and said to her, "For the crime of stepping on a duck, you have to spend the rest of Eternity chained to this man." Anna cried for a while, and Luann and I were more cautious than ever after that.
But one day, Luann stepped on a duck. As expected, the angel appeared and handcuffed a man even uglier than the other one to her. "For the crime of stepping on a duck, you have to spend the rest of Eternity chained to this man." She was distraught.
I was as careful as possible after that, constantly watching my feet, and wondering what kind of Heaven this was. Then, one day, that angel came up to me, dragging a gorgeous hunk of a man. Wordlessly, he handcuffed the man to me and walked away. I couldn't believe my luck! I said, "So, I get to spend eternity with you?"
He thought a moment, and said, "I don't know. All I know is, I stepped on a duck."