16 April 2008

The Eyes Have It

So, I went in for my first ever eye exam. I didn't think there was a problem, but my friends and family have been pressuring me to get an exam for like 15 years, so I finally caved in. Anyway, according to the doctor, I have like the best vision he's ever seen. He says that some people get surgery to have better-than-20/20 vision, and that I have better eyes than those people do.


So, I finally have a confirmed super power. I spent the rest of the day playing with my new super power. Everywhere I went, I looked at stuff. And you know what? What I looked at... I saw it! It was incredible. Not only was everything clear and focused, but it was in full color, too.

I've never seen anything like it.

So now I can check another item off of the list... I've started developing super powers. I knew that without at least two super powers my plans to take over the world would fail. Now that one power has emerged, I know that others will follow.

Next step... work on that d@mn hamster problem. I mean, who can take over the world without an army of superhamsters? I think that's the real problem that all those supervillains on T.V. have: Syler, Dr. Doom, Dick Cheney, Magneto... Not one of them has an army of superhamsters. So...

I took posession of two females from my hamster's first brood. Since he didn't know they were his daughters, I put him in with them. He impregnated one and ate the other. Hrm. Well, now I know that my new race of superhamsters will be carnivorous. And after all, who ever won a battle using an army of vegans?

So anyway, The pregnant hamster had three puppies. Count 'em... three. Half the normal number. This isn't going well.

My roommate, Anna, took possession of two of the males. She put them together in a cage, and we laughed for days at their antics, running around the cage, wrestling, running on the wheel... Then we realized they weren't wrestling. They were... ummmm.... They were doing the mommy-and-daddy thing. We tolerated it for a while... we're open to alternate lifestyles in this house. But then one of the males tried to castrate the other.

We had to rescue the injured hammy and put him in a separate cage. When we did, he started dong something obscene with his water bottle. In his mouth. I've never seen anything like it. Then I realized.... The humping, the attempted castration, and now deepthroating the water bottle... These hamsters really do have a relationship where one is the designated "girl".

My efforts to build a race of superhamsters isn't going well. Perhaps I should try gerbils. They're smart, right?

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