26 December 2007

Home, Squeak Home

Well, it's official... Mandel, my hamster, is still a virgin.

He spent over a week at my friend's house, and wasn't able to impress the female once. And it wasn't for lack of trying.

He went through nearly a quarter of an ounce of Old Spice. He used nearly a thimbleful of champagne. He even wore a tiny, little tux. But it wasn't enough.

Apparently, the female isn't interested in real males. She took Mandel's belongings, dumped them all in the petting zone, and set them on fire. It was a terrible scene. Mandel was trying to smother the fire, but all he had available was bedding, and that, too, caught fire. He had to be treated for smoke inhalation and burnt whiskers.

So today I took him home. Most of his belongings were destroyed in the fire. All that he has left is a flame-retardant quilt his mother made, his collection of miniature Chinese coins, a tiny pair of handcuffs (which he had apparently tried to use to entice the female) and his iPod Nano.

It looks like my plans for breeding a race of super hamsters will need to be put on hold. In fact, right now, I don't think poor Mandel will be able to perform, even if I find a more amiable female. He's traumatized, and his self-esteem is shattered. If you think hamsters don't have self esteem, watch them sometime... They spend nearly 60% of their time grooming.

I wonder if I'll be able to find a therapist for him. But not some new-age, radical therapist with experimental techniques. I don't want Mandel to be used as a guinea pig.

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