10 December 2007

Funny story...

So, I'm at work... that's a crazy place... I'm at work, and I'm looking at a firewall configuration. For those of you not technically inclined, that roughly means, "Me look what make Internet go." So, I'm looking at the config to determine why a VPN tunnel won't work. I was assisting one of my trainees... Let's call him "Brian". So, I'm looking over the config as Brian scrolls through it, and I pointed and said, "They didn't do nonat." For those of you not technically inclined, that roughly means, "They make private data go Internet instead of VPN." So, Brian heard me say this, and at the command prompt he typed "no nat". For those of you not technically inclined, that roughly means, "We not need Internet. Internet full of spam and virii. Me prefer Freecell."

I had glanced away from the screen for a second... Never, under any circumstances, take your eyes off the screen when a trainee has the keyboard. That's what they're waiting for.

So, when I glanced back, I saw the command on the screen. "no nat". It taunted me. It called to me. It represented everything I am against. I was all animal reflex, then. No thought. I shouted, "OMIGOD!!! You deleted the NAT config!" For those of you not technically inclined, that roughly means, "OMIGOD!!! You deleted the NAT config!"

I grabbed the keyboard and mouse from him and started scrolling up, attempting to apply a bit of copy/paste mastery that would astound most techsperts and would get me many dates. Unfortunately, my efforts were hampered by Brian, who was, by this time, laughing(!) and couldn't stop bumping my hands. Nevertheless, I managed to restore what they had. But at the end of this, I was laughing so hard that I could barely complete the part of the configuration which the customer had left out, which involved duplicating the interesting traffic definition into a new NAT Exemption ruleset. For those of you not technically inclined, this roughly means... ummm..... I got nuthin.

Anyway... Crisis averted, Brian and I laughed until time to leave. On the way downstairs, we noticed that the building had hosted an IEEE conference. I missed my chance. As I explained to Brian, I had always wanted to confront those bastards... "Your frigging standards are driving me insane! Why do we need so many frigging standards?!?!? And why do they have to have such nonsensical names? 802.11a? 802.11b?!? 802.11g?!?!? AND NOW THERE'S A G+?!?!?!?!?"

I mean, why the hell do we need these senseless names? We only need three names for wireless: "Slow as hell", "Fast as hell" and "What the hell!" Anything more is just senseless.

So.... I went home. My roommates were all there. Hardly surprising, since they had all eaten of my Cookies of Death. Fortunately, they're now able to sit up on their own. Of course, this means that I need to accelerate my plans to leave the state, so that I can be gone before they're able to walk. But I still have time. Just to be sure, I made them some chicken soup. The broth was extra-special, with eggs left over from the cookies. And then, in their honor, I composed a little ditty:

Ashley gave me salmonella,
At her birthday bash...
I was sicking in the bathroom,
And puking in the trash.
Soon, I couldn't move a muscle,
And my bowels were dry...
Though I am not suicidal,
I wanted most to die.

Someone's in the kitchen with Ashley,
Someone's in the kitchen in pain,
Someone's in the kitchen with Ashley,
Pouring stuff down the drain.

It's not much, but it keeps that weird part of my brain happy. I shared the song with my roommates. That's another reason I have to leave the state.

So, then, to keep things interesting, I went to my friends' house. These friends don't live with me, so they didn't eat as many cookies. So... It's time for my shot that I have to give myself. I wanted to test my courage. One of my friends is into animals. EWE!!! Not like that. She finds strays, fixes them up, and places them with good homes. YOU'RE SICK!

Anyway, she's given shots to dogs, cats, horses and anoles. But she had never given a shot to a human. I was thinking... "Hey! I'm a human!" I checked, and I was right. So I went to her house with a syringe and my meds. She's able to move, now, because she only ate one cookie. She can't stray too far from the bathroom, but the shaking has nearly stopped. So I handed her the syringe.

Just so you understand how truly awesomely brave I am... She's afraid of needles. I don't mean, like, "Eek. A needle. Don't stick it in my eye." I mean that she once saw a plastic toy syringe in a doctor's kit for a five year old, and I had to sedate her. Without using a syringe. That's not as easy as it sounds.

So, anyway, I handed her the syringe and the meds. She accepted it, and looked at the needle... the smallest type of needle possible with modern technology... and started to shake. I hadn't yet lost my nerve. In theory, I shouldn't feel a thing. I mean, this needle was small enough that it didn't actually have to break the skin. It could slide between my skin cells and not do any damage.

So, she filled the syringe. This took literally five minutes, because the needle was the width of a human hair, but the medicine has the viscosity of karo syrup. She feigned falling asleep while waiting for the fluids to rill the vacuum. Once it was full, the fun part started.

She held the syringe like a throwing dart, and motioned throwing it for several minutes. At one point, she said, "So do I just" and then nearly threw it. Fortunately, she caught it just in time, and then had to collect herself. This allowed me a moment to collect myself, too, because I was suddenly starting to have second thoughts.

Meanwhile, her husband was watching all this and laughing out loud. You see... He, too, had eaten a cookie.

So, anyway, I told her, "Just stick it slowly in. It's alright." She hesitated. "I won't feel a thing, really," I lied. She worked up her courage and slowly inserted the needle into my leg. It was at this point that I decided to abandon my original plan, which had been to shout, "OMIGODITHURTS!!!" Mostly because I didn't want to traumatize her, but also because I didn't want her breaking the needle off in my leg.

She finished the shot and put up the syringe, and then started shaking like an electric toothbrush. I gave her moral support, and told her what a wonderful job she did. And she did, too. The simple fact is that if she hadn't been helping, I probably would have neglected to swab the site and little things like that. I'm funny that way. She's not.

Update... Just now, I received an IM from a friend of mine in Maylasia. He said, "Hey, Ash. I'm sick." My first thought was... What the hell? I didn't even send him a cookie!

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