So, I figured out that the Buddha was a Druid.
No, hear me out!
He sits in front of a tree. He starts talking to the tree. Some time later, he arises, and has become enlightened. With me so far?
Now, I ask you, who else but a Druid would sit down and start conversing with a tree? More to the point, who else would gain enlightenment from it?
I'm not sure whether he was the first Druid, or Druids were derived from Buddhists, or maybe he was a Druid before becoming enlightened. But have you ever wondered what his religion was? I mean, he couldn't have been a Buddhist.
So, I'm like halfway to being the next Buddha. (Some Buddhist traditions hold that there will eventually be more Buddhas, those who become enlightened through means other than the teachings of the original Buddha.) I'm already enlightened. I just need to finish my Druid training and then find a sociable tree. Be prepared to see fattened statues of me in restaurants.
When they make a movie about me, I want the part of me to be played by Alizée.